A Fed Up Wife

a fed up wife

Hi Jay,

My husband and I have been together a short while, almost 4 years now.  I don’t know what happened.  It’s like we have turned into enemies with each other and all we do is fight and try to overpower one another.  I’m at the point where I just want to get a divorce, cut my losses and move on.  But, I feel like something is saying wait.  What is your insight on this?

-A fed up wife

Hi A Fed Up Wife,

When I hear about something being broken, I ponder how did it get broken.  We focus so much on how something has become broken and we get angry but what we should be doing with the facts that lie before us is use them to find a way to move forward and mend things.  You would not have married your husband if you didn’t, at one point in life, find him to be worthy of your hand in marriage.  Go back and find out what happened that has caused you two to be at this place.  Something took place or didn’t take place.  How long did you know him before getting married?  Was the marriage rushed?  I don’t know these answers but you do and they are windows to your solution.

It could be that there are things that you have discovered about your husband that you were not aware of before the marriage.  It could be that you two are figuring each other out and four years is enough time to start seeing the little nuances a partner can have that could irritate you.  This is where the topic of compromise comes into play. Compromise is a two-way street and it will not benefit anything if you both do not have the mindset to compromise with each other so that you can make the relationship work. This is not an opportunity for you to pat yourself on the back and say, “I’m doing everything right, it’s him.”  You’d be surprised about the issues you may be bringing to the table as well.  Some may be internal and some may be externally observed. There are so many questions to be asked concerning your situation.  I think it all goes back to the origin of the relationship.  Why did you get married and who were you and who was he when you got married?

People change or actually, people slowly reveal themselves to you over time or they morph due to the effects of their past experiences or the effects of new experiences.  Life still happens and being in a relationship does not shield one person or the unit from the pressures of life.  You have to be able to identify these happenings and experiences and discover what happened that has lead you two to this place.  Is it something you are dealing with or he is dealing with that has nothing to do with the relationship?  No relationship is easy no matter who you are with.  There will be ups and downs and even with the best partner.  You will question whether being tied down to a lifestyle of personal sacrificing and compromising is something you can deal with.

Yes, you should listen to that voice that says wait.  A married couple should not make a decision as decisive as divorce without first undergoing some marital counseling.  Your marriage may be salvageable.  There just may be things unbeknownst to you and him that are going on that only a professional can discover.  You have to make a broken relationship work.  It’s for better or for worst.  Sometimes the worst is excruciatingly bad.  Both people involved will have to make a conscious effort to compromise for the greater good.  You cannot always have your way and he cannot always have his way. You will have to learn to compromise because if you do not, you will always want to flee when it gets tough. Rough patches and disagreements in a relationship are signs that there is some pruning individually and collectively to be done.  The first part towards reconciling a broken relationship is by first asking yourself, “What role did I play?”  We communicate to be heard when really, we should communicate to listen.  There is so much more concerning this.  Do not give up on your marriage without exhausting all options for repair.

1 Comment

  1. Felissa Stewart May 15, 2017 at 7:36 pm

    That was a awesome read and excellent advice. Your words flow so eloquently and they are comforting yet, they make you look at YOU as well. Again, great advice!

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